Sunday, 30 December 2012

NEILSTRADAMUS 2013



Well, this year, apart from the end of the world (for which prediction I was completely misled by the Mayan calendar), for the third year running, all my predictions came true.  The end of the world not quite happening rather threw out my calculations for next year, but with the help of a few chickens, a clairvoyant octopus and the sacrifice of a turkey a few days ago, I have regrouped and have now considered prophesies for 2013.  Here are my main predictions.

  • ·         Duchess of York releases new work-out video called ‘Gangnam Style Those Abs’.
  • ·         Sir Bradley Wiggins launches Government programme of compulsory cycling to be included in school sports curriculum.
  • ·         80% of boys born in January named Bradley according to survey (15% named Wiggo; 5% named Allez, after misunderstanding the Tour de France slogan ‘Allez Wiggo’.).
  • ·         80% of girls named Jessie (40% Jessie E, 30% Jessie J, 10% named Jessie W after TOWIE star). 20% named Olympia.
  • ·         Lord Forsyth of Palladium signs new 5-year contract for Strictly Come Dancing.
  • ·         Boris Johnson proposes conversion of Olympic stadium to Gangnam style aerobics centre.
  • ·         To cope with startling increase in number of cyclists on roads, two-way bicycle lanes added to all towns, existing cycle lanes widened throughout London. 
  • ·         Faltering X Factor taken off television in favour of nightly Celebrity Strictly Come Cycling.
  • ·         Through ill-health and pique, Stephen Fry forced to reduce TV commitments to one show per night.  Stephen Fry Radio Channel unaffected.
  • ·         Clare Balding takes over Match of the Day and Question of Sport.
  • ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that, with house price falls now perhaps appearing to be perceived to be beginning to slow, Britain may be near to looking over the fence at the end of the garden into pulling out of recession and that, with house-builders possibly considering construction of a small bungalow in Southend, economic activity could scarcely be hundreds of miles from the verge of starting to improve in the relatively near future.  Osborne imposes new tax based on length of house front drives. 
  • ·         Hairdressers take on new staff to cope with phenomenal rise in demand for mod haircuts.
  • ·         After Queen has The Mall successfully reclassified from ‘front drive’ to ‘main road’, all home-owners follow suit and ‘garden path tax’ abandoned. 
  • ·         NHS overwhelmed by numbers of emergencies involving Olympic withdrawal symptoms and depression.  New condition to be called Patriotic Nostalgia Narcosis. 
  • ·         New wings added to main hospitals to deal with startling increase in bicycle accidents.
  • ·         Clare Balding takes over Open Golf and Wimbledon commentary.
  • ·         David Cameron signs up for Strictly Come Dancing in an attempt to regain popularity.
  • ·         Nick Clegg fails to convince Strictly producers he is well enough known to take part in the show.
  • ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that recession now probably showing faint signs of tyre tracks behind us (quite possibly not much more tarmac in front of us either) and that the starting line of the heats for the road race to economic recovery almost indubitably lie somewhere over the rainbow on the distant radar horizon.  Osborne institutes licence fees for cyclists. 
  • ·         International Paralympic Committee refuse to accept new category for Patriotic Nostalgia Narcosis sufferers, saying inclusion would create insoluble paradox.  In a test case, sponsored by Lord Coe, man in Berkshire, suffering from PNN loses court case to claim disability benefits.
  • ·         Sir Bradley Wiggins MP successfully pushes amendment through Parliament reclassifying racing bicycles as ‘sports equipment’; bicycle owners and retailers follow suit.  ‘Trike tax’ abandoned.
  • ·         Many cycle lanes removed to curb increase in traffic accidents involving bicycles.
  • ·         ‘Pippex’ bum-enhancing pants, launched by Middleton Enterprises plc, new fashion must-have.
  • ·         Clare Balding takes over F1 commentary.
  • ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that Britain conceivably approaching traffic cones leading to slip road onto highway in the sort of direction vaguely away from recession and that the toll gate to the stabilisation plaza of economic decline now pencilled fairly firmly onto mooted roadmap.  Osborne trials experimental fees for minor road users as prototype for introduction of full toll road system.
  • ·         E L James publishes topical new novel, about Tudor remains uncovered by West Country Council workers constructing new toll road to new Academy, entitled Fifty Shards of Clay.
  • ·         After violent demonstrations by farmers and pensioners with rural retreats, ‘yokel tax’ toll road system abandoned. 
  • ·         Banks announce record profits.  Government asks them to keep size of current account transaction fee rises to a minimum, if they wouldn’t mind.
  • ·         Cycling removed from school curricula after rise in health and safety concerns.
  • ·         Downton Abbey translated into Danish and shown with subtitles in an attempt to regain lost popularity.
  • ·         Celebrity Strictly Come Cycling replaced by Celebrity Strictly Come Baking after attracting poor audience response
  • ·         New hypothesis proposes that Higgs Bosun composed of at least three separate elements named ‘Higgtrons’.  New Mega Hydron Collider to search for phenomenon, at a cost of $23 quadrillion, planned for construction in land formerly known as ‘Greece’.
  • ·         Clare Balding signs contracts with Walkers Crisps and Go Compare.
  • ·         Boris Johnson launches ‘Flip Flap’, fitness video based on hanging from zip wire.
  • ·         Prince Harry video, The Basics of Naked Snooker’, sold out on first day.
  • ·         Kate Middleton video, ‘How to Avoid Tan Lines’, withdrawn after poor initial sales.
  • ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that Britain can almost be expected to see way through misty outskirts of recession and that something possibly resembling green fields of economic activity might just be implied through shadows in the distant fog.  Osborne introduces further belt tightening food rationing proposals just to see us through the next few years, recommends cycling to reduce hunger.  And blood transfusions.
  • ·         In a last attempt to boost viewing figures, Celebrity Strictly Come Baking renamed ‘Baking Mad Men’, after complaints that no one had heard of any of the contestants.   
  • ·         Gary Lineker and Sue Barker sign up for Strictly Come Dancing in an attempt to relaunch their careers.
  • ·         Most of East Anglia , the West Country, Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire disappear under floods.  Cameron appoints Flood Minister.
  • ·         Justin Bieber out in first round of Strictly Come Dancing. 
  • ·         Agreement finally reached for new London airport to be built on former Olympic site.
  • ·         Sales of Christmas related goods break all records.  Retailers complain about lower than expected sales of cat food and bathing costumes.
  • ·         Olympic stadium washed away in surprise flood.
  • ·         Flood Minister issues statement that all those affected by flooding will be very much on his mind over Christmas and that he will be inclined to give serious thought to a public inquiry to consider the problem, which could be set up as early as 2015.
  • ·         Shock Daily Mail revelation that Sir Bradley Wiggins travels on Belgian passport.
  • ·         ‘Do the Mobot’ becomes Christmas No 1 record, against severe competition from Lineker and Barker’s ‘The Pushbike Song’.
  • ·         Queen’s speech complains of ‘annus non magnum in media’; turns down profile raising proposals for fitness video or flashing from Buckingham Palace window for YouTube bloggers.  Proposes major festivities for Her Aquamarine Jubilee in 2014.  No decision yet on kissing Daniel Craig on Palace balcony.
  • ·         Recession and depression deepens.  Sir Bradley Wiggins MP, after petition securing 20 million signatures, agrees to lead Patriotic Nostalgia Party into next election.
  • Major Government programme of compulsory kayaking launched to be included in school sports curriculum, especially in schools in East Anglia , the West Country, Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire.

3 comments:

  1. LOL. Some very funny predictions there, Neil. The one that made me laugh the most was the one about boys names, particularly 'allez wiggo'.

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  2. Now that was a nice chuckle to begin the day. They were all very good. Who is Clare Balding? (am a lost ex pat living in the middle of gnome fairyland) - loved the 50 shades of clay one.

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    1. She's usually the horse racing commentator, Pat, but she was an anchor at the Olympics and far and away the best commentator. Personally, I was happy with all the Olympics commentators, but in the studio, especially those that are essentially sportspeople, some commentators become trivial and irrelevant (and may be ignorant of other sports - Clare seemed to have done her homework better than most). Of course, she's all over the media now.

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