AGE CONCERN

Here's a joke I have just seen that seems to be relevant to my last post.

I recently saw a new G.P. at my local surgery for my usual 6 month check.  He said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.  A little concerned about 'fairly well', I couldn't resist asking him, 'Then do you think I'll live to be 80?' 

He asked, 'Do you smoke, and drink beer, wine or spirits to excess? 

'No,' I replied. 'And I don't do drugs, either!' 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rare steaks, fatty foods, lots of cheese, or barbecued ribs? 

I said, 'Not much - your predecessor said that all of those things are very unhealthy!' 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like sunbathing, playing golf, sailing, hiking, or cycling?' 

'No, I don't,' I said. 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?' 

'No,' I said... 

He looked at me and said, 'Then, WTF do you want to live to be 80?'

THE TV JOKE

Watched the first 2 episodes of Borgen Saturday night. Yes, the subtitle season has started early.

Why is it so fascinating? And it was! I have mentioned before that it was made for Danish viewers and thought to be too arcane for a foreign audience. And it's in Danish. With subtitles. Set in a foreign city, whose geography doesn't immediately make any sense. Starring unknown (except to devotees) actors. And deals with subtleties of Danish politics and even (this week) military niceties. But somehow it is as popular in UK as in Denmark. And the lead journalist hasn't even got her kit off yet.

I think a leader I read today hits the nail on the head – 'why can't the BBC produce anything more complex than a futile game show or a foul-mouthed comedian?' Well, a bit harsh maybe, but I have felt for some time now that British TV has become even more dumbed down than usual.

Stand-up has become big here lately. I quite enjoy some of the exponents myself. But it has led to rather a lot of stand-up programmes, and panel games featuring comedians, and indeed panel games hosted by comedians. Nothing really wrong with that in theory; we all need a good laugh from time to time. From time to time to time even. But, inevitably, with so many funny men and women, not all of them are good. Or even funny.

There are, to be fair, one or two amusing sitcoms (and some unfunny ones too), but even they rely occasionally on the odd belly laugh from foul language or toilet references.

This situation seems to be supported by the film industry. I saw a poster the other day for Stag Night 2 or Bridesmaids 2 or The Hangover 3, or whatever it was, and the tagline was 'even cruder than the last one!' So I presume that this type of humour is a selling point. If that's the current demand, I suppose it explains why the jokes on TV have become so unsubtle.

Game shows and their totally uninformed contestants I've sniped at before. But new ones keep coming along. They now seem to be the accepted parking place for comedians whose own comedy shows have come to an end. So they're usually both irritating and without humour.

Anyway, back to foreign series. I was totally gripped, as ever by The Killing 3, that other Danish thriller, but devastated by the ending. I shan't spoil it for any of you that hasn't seen it yet, but the series' trick of ending each episode with the least expected outcome, to whet your appetite for the next, was exceeded tenfold at the end, but the whole house of cards was not only knocked over, but set light to. Even the US remake writers will have difficulties writing a series 4 now. Perhaps the formula had been played out.

Actually the producers of US TV series don't think so. I know there have been series with unclear or semi-real happenings unfolding – 'Lost', and I suppose '24', for example, and 'The Wire', but 'Homeland' seems even closer to the Nordic formula. The writers used this approach too to prolong the US version of 'The Killing', which was also greatly enjoyable, though different from the Scandinavian version. The immensely enjoyable 'Homeland' similarly underlines that other TV series-makers have picked up on this script-writing method. But 'Homeland' too ended completely unsatisfactorily and, I assumed, with some open-ended denouement intending to signify that the main protagonists had been written out. I have since discussed the ending with several friends and discovered at least as many possible meanings to the ending. Hmmm.

I subsequently read that Damian Lewis (the British lead actor) has signed a new 5 year contract. So I guess he hasn't died then. Just a guess mind. And perhaps the next series will be ready when Borgen finishes. Hooray! Meanwhile, for my health and peace of mind, tell me to switch the bloody television off.

IN THE SHPIRIT OF CHRISHMASH

I thought I would share with you this recipe for Vodka Christmas Cake that a friend just sent me.

Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups dried fruit.

Instructions: Sample a cup of Vodka first to check the quality.  Then take a large bowl.  Just check the Vodka again to be absolutely sure.  Then repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat one cup of butter in a large bowl until fluffy.  Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.  Beat again.  At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.  So try another cup just in case.  Turn off the mixerer thingy.  Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl.  Chuck in the cup of dried fruit.  Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and count it back into the bowl a piece at a time to make sure you didn't miss any.

Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Shample the Vodka again here to tesht for tonsisticitity.  Next, sift 2 cupsh of salt, or something.  Check the Vodka again.  Now crap shift the lemon juicsh and strain your nutsh.  Add one table.  Add a shpoon of sugar, or anything you can find really.

Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 degreesh for shome reason.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out the window.  Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

Happy Chrishimash!

NORTHERN FRONT

I saw so many things in the north of England that were so different from down here.  I have mentioned the names of pubs and the number of Baltic food shops.  I also noticed that pie and chip shops were prevalent where we might find fish and chips. 

But I also found the place where clouds come from.

 The Cumulus Works Co.

Nimbus plc.

WAITROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

Upmarket supermarket Waitrose ran a customer survey on Twitter, in which readers were asked to complete the following sentence - 'I shop at Waitrose because . . .'  This is a prime example of a fairly staid business trying to get with it and make use of the new-fangled social networking media.  And getting it rather wrong.  You may have seen some of the answers which appeared in the national press (the old-fangled paper sort).  Well, they amused me; so her are a few.

'... because I don't like being surrounded by poor people.'

'... because the toilet paper is made from 24ct gold thread.'

'... because Clarrissa's pony just will not eat Asda value straw.'

'... because, darling, Harrods is just too much of a trek mid-week.'

'... because I want to prove to Jeremy Kyle that I am not a 21-year old dole scrounging father of two.'

GAGS OFF

I shall try not to say, ‘PC gone mad’.  Oh, I just said it.  Anyway the fact is that PC is mad, so technically it can only go madder (though not in fact possible) or saner.  Can the latter at last be happening?  Is there finally a non-PC backlash?

I did wonder this the other day when there was the outcry about Frankie Boyle who likes to attack taboos with his humour.  Personally, I don’t find much of this stuff funny and so it does come across as tasteless and gratuitous.  It’s outrageous and insulting to specific persons, but not, I think, wit.  Maybe it’s also rather lazy, puerile writing.  It reminds me of when I was at school and we used to tell jokes like, ‘why did the leper lose at poker?’*  I’m not even always sure about Michael McIntyre who occasionally raises a laugh by slating someone/thing just for effect (rather than for real humour).  But I accept that many people like this.  It is in any case often the way stand-up is.  And I have always appreciated comedians like Joan Rivers or Ruby Wax who rarely take prisoners (but who I think are consistently funny too). 

And humour has fashions, like anything else.  Maybe there is no place these days for the comedians of yore (although I though the Christmas Ronnie programme was pretty popular.) (Perhaps that was only amongst the older population?).  But maybe attitudes have fashion too?  Has the PC approach had its day?

A propos my last post, I imagine for example that the BBC will be careful to find good reasons in future why it is appointing certain persons as presenters.  It won’t necessarily flood our screens with old people.  That case rather goes against the trend, except that in their final judgement, the tribunal also criticised the BBC for being obsessed with recruiting ethnic minorities.  Maybe that misguided policy will change too?  But hopefully with selection of the best candidates, rather than some extension of the present positive discrimination.

Anyway I was much encouraged by former Home Secretary Jack Straw’s comments on Pakistani gangs.  I have always thought quite a lot of him and his willingness to say ‘Pakistani’ earned him much respect from me (since that’s what they are).  You can read the position of the police here.  This reticence was understandable, if palpable nonsense.

I wondered too if the present government was detecting a mood for greater incorrectness, or whether it just wished to start a movement to break down the sillier aspects of correctness, when it stated in the Education White Paper last month that it wished to increase teacher authority in schools.  I think even parents have had enough of this ludicrous situation where teachers have to put up with abuse because they can’t punish pupils without breaking some over-hyped code.

Next, it would be nice to see a few more infringement of rights cases thrown out by the courts.  Especially those brought by women who never seem arsed to do any work, but winge loudly on their mobiles about how badly done by they are as they go down the shops to buy fags, diet Coke and undersized underwear and then fall over steps they can't see under their bellies.  Oh, am I allowed to say all that?

*  because he threw in his hand.