NEILSTRADAMUS 2014

So how did last year’s predictions go?  Well, it now looks as though the economy might actually be doing better than I predicted.  But this has yet to translate into benefit for 57% of the ordinary people who constitute the middle 34% of those engaged in economic activity or those not in economic activity but making a net contribution to the economy in ways determined to fall within the bottom 11% of economic indicators.  So maybe I was overly sceptical about government statements last year.  But with 6% of commentators undecided, and nearly half disagreeing about the definition of ‘doing better’, we must still wait and see.

So the International Year of Statistics comes to an end.  And it seems that over 60% of the population were unaware of this fact, 45% of those were wholly unconcerned by the revelation and some 7% of those were not even interested enough to wonder what next year is the International Year of.  That still leaves 98.11% 80% 22% quite a lot of people who might read this blog.  For you, 2014 will be the International Year of Family Farming.  So let’s get out there now and start cultivating those new families!

Here are my predictions for 2014:

• ·         80% of boys born in the UK this year named George. 
• ·         Girls not named Kate are mostly named Georgina or Georgia.  None of them are named after fruit or places in America.  Oh, except possibly Georgia.
• ·         After a buoyant end to the year and a public mood of apparent equanimity, Prime Minister discusses with The Queen the possibility of a second child for Kate and William.  
• ·         The south of England is free from snow at the start of the year for the first time for 54 years and quickly moves into a heat wave.  Hose pipe ban and guidance on community water sharing issued, even in those areas still flooded. 
• ·         IPCC meeting in Hawaii determines that meteorological deviations in UK not necessarily the result of climate change.
• ·         Millions of tons of snow imported from Egypt to Sochi for Winter Olympics.
• ·         New dance, ‘frisking’, involving gradually taking off each other’s clothes, sweeps celebrity night clubs.  Daily Mail devotes 5 page spread to photographs of every celebrity it can think of in simulated poses of frisk.
• ·         Miley Cyrus releases frisking video to protest her exclusion from media gallery of frisking celebrities.
• ·         Students in Sussex University refuse to attend lectures by female lecturers unless they dress as men.
• ·         Google launches new 4in tablet with 1TB memory and 2 x 12Mb cameras. 
• ·         Amazon gives away 1 million 3D printers for trial of digital delivery systems.
• ·         Restaurant in Truro becomes big hit, serving ‘redeconstructed’ meals with ingredients side by side on plate instead of heaped into tower.
• ·         China buys Greece.
• ·         By the middle of the year most of Australia gripped by worst snow and freezing weather conditions on record. 
• ·         IPCC scientists in Seychelles judge that Australian weather patterns are result of normal long term fluctuation and do not represent example of climate change.
• ·         England fail to progress to second round of World Cup after avoiding playing their opening match in Manaus but losing in penalties to Costa Rica during a freak hail storm.
• ·         Poll finds that 9% of British public still remember Nick Clegg.
• ·         European Court of Human Rights rules single sex schools in UK illegal.
• ·         New drama in Norwegian about daily life of Androder Aarberg, an Oppland farmer, grappling with adoption of EU farm subsidies, becomes a surprise hit on UK television.
• ·         43 islands of the Philippines deleted from atlases as only visible during exceptional spring tides. 
• ·         IPCC issues statement from Nice ruling that rising ocean levels probably unconnected with climate change.
• ·         Guardian newspaper publishes documents leaked by Edward Snowden revealing that MI6 and the CIA constantly spied on each other.
• ·         Video message from President Putin, condemning MI6 and CIA denials, accidentally issued before the 2 statements were released.
• ·         Population of UK predicted to rise to 100m by 2080.  Little public reaction.
• ·         First language of majority of British residents found to be an Eastern European language.
• ·         UKIP manifesto details severe curbs on immigration and a scheme of repatriation.  Secures support of Pakistani communities.
• ·         5 million residents evacuated from South Western States of America as temperatures reach 60 degrees for the third day running. 
• ·         IPCC meeting in Tahiti evaluate high temperatures in US as part of normal seasonal cycle and definitely not climate change.
• ·         Strictly Come Dancing refuses to include Nick Clegg in its line-up of celebrities.
• ·         European Court of Human Rights rules single sex toilets in UK illegal.
• ·         Prince Harry announces engagement.  Fall in public morale fuelled by depression among girls with double-barrelled surnames. 
• ·         PM in renewed discussions with The Queen to ask Kate and William to hurry up.
• ·         China buys Italy.
• ·         Sugar Puffs, Marmite and Jammy Dodger diet hailed by scientists as key to health and longevity.
• ·         Church bells banned under new EU noise pollution law.  Churches encouraged instead to introduce call to prayer from bell towers.
• ·         Britain increases aid to China.  PM encourages China to buy Scotland.
• ·         Nick Clegg visits Oppland to raise his profile in run-up to election.
• ·         Sub-Continent swept by 10th cyclone in three weeks. 
• ·         IPCC assembly in Barbados expected to mull weather data for further five weeks before commenting on climate change.
• ·         24 hour Scottish election programme on ITV watched in England by fewer than 1m viewers.
• ·         Scotland votes to stay in the UK.  First Minister calls the vote ‘unclear’ as only teenagers turned out to vote.
• ·         Man in London jailed under EU human rights legislation for wearing T-shirt with ‘I am heterosexual’ slogan.
• ·         Scottish First Minister voted off Strictly Come Dancing in first round.
• ·         Samsung launches new 3¾in tablet with 1.1TB memory, 12.5Mb camera and 32” projector.
• ·         European Court of Human Rights rules at least 40% of upper deck passengers on London buses must be female.
• ·         To public sighs of relief, William announces Kate pregnant.  PM proposes launch of Christmas shopping celebrations.
• ·         Kingston on Thames bans images of Father Christmas and religious themes from Happy Shopping celebrations,.
• ·         Someone who once appeared in a Smashing Pumpkins video wins Strictly Come Dancing.
• ·         Legislation passed banning frisking, after 2 MPs found to have claimed expenses for attending frisk clubs.  Daily Mail publishes 8-page spread of simulated photographs of frisking MPs.
• ·         Duchess of York seeks compensation from British Government as her ‘Feeling Frisky’ fitness video is removed from shelves on its launch day.
• ·         Conservative Party offers to accept 5 Ministerial posts in UKIP Government.
• ·         Labour Party offers to require only 1 Ministerial post in UKIP Government as long as it’s not Ed Balls.
• ·         TV series in Icelandic about daily life of wages clerk in Greenland oil camp a surprise hit in UK.
• ·         High Streets entirely empty as population settles down to Christmas shopping online.
• ·         Nick Clegg visits Greenland.
• ·         Mother sues Essex County Council for banning nativity plays in primary schools after she had ‘already bought crocodile outfit and everything.’
• ·         Birmingham man sues ITV for not showing any Die Hard movies for 4 successive weeks.
• ·         UK gripped by blizzards and 4 feet of snow in London.
• ·         IPCC assembly sends message of support to UK from Fiji explaining the cyclical nature of seasons and denying any link with climate change.
• ·         European Court of Human Rights bans smoking outside pubs and restaurants unless at least 40% of smokers are male.
• ·         Shoppers visit High Streets in post-Christmas rush as Amazon trucks snowbound.
• ·         BBC admits one of its presenters is not gay.
• ·         US and British troops finally leave Afghanistan, declaring the 13 year campaign ‘the greatest military success since Iraq’. 
• ·         Women disappear from streets throughout Afghanistan.
• ·         Sharp drop in world price of heroin.

A Happy New Year to all my readers!

NEW YEAR RESOLVED

I was just thinking.  This time last year I wasn't very well.  I had already had one visit to hospital, but was still feeling not right.  My very good Chef friend made us some delightful New Year's food, all carefully designed to be easily eaten and digested.  And it was delicious, as well as being easily digested.  Not long after that however I was taken rather more ill and had to be admitted.  The rest you may know.

Just a year later, I am surprisingly fit and well.  Except for this bloody cold thing.  Yes, it's now 2 months and, not only can I not shake it off, but I seem to have had a relapse.

Anyway, I would like to be writing that the experiences of the last year have been life-changing.  How wonderful to say that I have peered over the edge or into the abyss, or been given the chance of a peek into the future or some such!  Or how about describing my new perception of the preciousness and vibrancy of life, of the greater vividness of the greens of the grass and the trees, or the new deeper meaning of the spectacular sunsets I now enjoy, or the added piquancy of my breakfast sausage?  I could write a book or a film script or . . . a blog.  It might have been a sort of road to Damascus moment, such that I will never stay in bed beyond 8 o'clock again and waste all those precious daylight hours, or that I will stop and close my eyes in luxurious appreciation as I drink my first cup of tea of the day, instead of drinking it as I have my morning scratch and read the paper, or that I will throw the windows open every morning and drink in the sights, sounds and smells of the world and smile at next door's cat crapping in my flowerbed before I start my day.  Or maybe I should be saying that I have at last been encouraged to join the local abseiling club, or in gratitude spend every morning volunteering at Haslemere Hospital, or in contrition give up my packet of shortbread biscuits a day? 

But the truth is that nothing very much seems to have changed.

Somehow, at the start of a new year, we are conditioned to compose resolutions, to promise to do something, or not do something, over the months ahead.  I can't even say in all honesty that I have done that.  This is perhaps the first New Year when I haven't approached the future with a sense of renewal or renewed sense of promise.  In short, life just goes on.

Initially, when I sat down to write this, I thought I'd be expanding on my vision of my life over the next year, that I'd think up some noble course of action, or some impressive project to complete, or a glorious act with which to dazzle you all.  But it turns out I have written a confession of ignoble sloth or insouciance.  I'm just getting up, eating, reading the paper, undertaking some chores, eating some more, watching some television and going back to bed.  And, yes, I confess I should be doing more.  Maybe it's the weather, or the season, or just me.  Maybe I've now done everything in my life?  Maybe that's why I can't think of anything to resolve to do.  Or perhaps it's because we didn't move to a new area last year, as we usually have done as soon as we've settled in, and I thus have nothing different to do here?

Still, at least I do look in my diary before I start my day to make sure there isn't something I should be doing.  OK, that's my New Year resolution - definitely look in my diary every day.  Even if I then don't do anything.

¡ES UN AÑO NUEVO!

Yes, I've started to use my teach yourself Spanish daily calendar.  ¡Hola 2013!

What else am I going to do this year?  Well, first I'm going to decorate the spare bedroom.  Usually we work our way through the house, repairing, decorating, refurbishing.  And then, when everything is new and spick and span, we sell at a vast profit.  That's the plan anyway.  Hasn't exactly happened ever yet.  But this time we have been more relaxed with our refurbishing, partly because we are planning to stay here a little longer than we usually stay in a house and partly because the house is already worth less on the market than it was when we bought it.  Ah, well.  But we have gradually decorated our way through the house anyway and have now reached the spare bedroom.

Just after Christmas we went to Homebase and found a whole pile of paints, paper, plaster, etc on special offer.  So not sad, then, spending the holiday at the sales!

The spare bedroom then looking like a designer room in a model home, we will fly off somewhere to find some winter sun.  What is sun?  You may well  ask!  We did see a bit of sun today actually - maybe the first time for longer than I can remember - but it was decidedly chilly, far too cold to walk up and down the High Street in my vest anyway.  I think we'll also have to make sure we go somewhere where I can practise my Spanish.  Buenas noches amigos.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Nothing much to say about this year yet.  I did indeed watch Jools and his Hootnanny.  And good fun it was too, with some excellent performances (not least an extraordinary rendition of Crazy by no other than Petula Clark). 

We had a bottle of bubbly on hand, which was quite nice, and a tin of Quality Street.  And the London fireworks were as wonderful as ever. And here they are, in case you missed them.

 

So have a fabulous 2013 everybody and let's make this year the best ever!!

SUSSEX OR HOLLAND

What to do, what to do?!

We eventually turned down a fancy dress New Year's Eve party, which might have been fun, as our family was going to gather here to see in the new year.  They are not now able to come.  The trouble is the party is in deepest Sussex, so not easy to get to and from and probably requires an overnight stay somewhere near.  There is also the slight problem of fancy dress at this stage.   Hmmm, looks as though it'll be Jools Holland on TV (again!).

Still, Jools will feature Petula Clark, Emeli Sandé, Bobby Womack, Paloma Faith, The Hives and Kevin Rowland (he of Dexys Midnight Runners).  Could be a good night.

NEILSTRADAMUS 2013

Well, this year, apart from the end of the world (for which prediction I was completely misled by the Mayan calendar), for the third year running, all my predictions came true.  The end of the world not quite happening rather threw out my calculations for next year, but with the help of a few chickens, a clairvoyant octopus and the sacrifice of a turkey a few days ago, I have regrouped and have now considered prophesies for 2013.  Here are my main predictions.

• ·         Duchess of York releases new work-out video called ‘Gangnam Style Those Abs’.
• ·         Sir Bradley Wiggins launches Government programme of compulsory cycling to be included in school sports curriculum.
• ·         80% of boys born in January named Bradley according to survey (15% named Wiggo; 5% named Allez, after misunderstanding the Tour de France slogan ‘Allez Wiggo’.).
• ·         80% of girls named Jessie (40% Jessie E, 30% Jessie J, 10% named Jessie W after TOWIE star). 20% named Olympia.
• ·         Lord Forsyth of Palladium signs new 5-year contract for Strictly Come Dancing.
• ·         Boris Johnson proposes conversion of Olympic stadium to Gangnam style aerobics centre.
• ·         To cope with startling increase in number of cyclists on roads, two-way bicycle lanes added to all towns, existing cycle lanes widened throughout London. 
• ·         Faltering X Factor taken off television in favour of nightly Celebrity Strictly Come Cycling.
• ·         Through ill-health and pique, Stephen Fry forced to reduce TV commitments to one show per night.  Stephen Fry Radio Channel unaffected.
• ·         Clare Balding takes over Match of the Day and Question of Sport.
• ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that, with house price falls now perhaps appearing to be perceived to be beginning to slow, Britain may be near to looking over the fence at the end of the garden into pulling out of recession and that, with house-builders possibly considering construction of a small bungalow in Southend, economic activity could scarcely be hundreds of miles from the verge of starting to improve in the relatively near future.  Osborne imposes new tax based on length of house front drives. 
• ·         Hairdressers take on new staff to cope with phenomenal rise in demand for mod haircuts.
• ·         After Queen has The Mall successfully reclassified from ‘front drive’ to ‘main road’, all home-owners follow suit and ‘garden path tax’ abandoned. 
• ·         NHS overwhelmed by numbers of emergencies involving Olympic withdrawal symptoms and depression.  New condition to be called Patriotic Nostalgia Narcosis. 
• ·         New wings added to main hospitals to deal with startling increase in bicycle accidents.
• ·         Clare Balding takes over Open Golf and Wimbledon commentary.
• ·         David Cameron signs up for Strictly Come Dancing in an attempt to regain popularity.
• ·         Nick Clegg fails to convince Strictly producers he is well enough known to take part in the show.
• ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that recession now probably showing faint signs of tyre tracks behind us (quite possibly not much more tarmac in front of us either) and that the starting line of the heats for the road race to economic recovery almost indubitably lie somewhere over the rainbow on the distant radar horizon.  Osborne institutes licence fees for cyclists. 
• ·         International Paralympic Committee refuse to accept new category for Patriotic Nostalgia Narcosis sufferers, saying inclusion would create insoluble paradox.  In a test case, sponsored by Lord Coe, man in Berkshire, suffering from PNN loses court case to claim disability benefits.
• ·         Sir Bradley Wiggins MP successfully pushes amendment through Parliament reclassifying racing bicycles as ‘sports equipment’; bicycle owners and retailers follow suit.  ‘Trike tax’ abandoned.
• ·         Many cycle lanes removed to curb increase in traffic accidents involving bicycles.
• ·         ‘Pippex’ bum-enhancing pants, launched by Middleton Enterprises plc, new fashion must-have.
• ·         Clare Balding takes over F1 commentary.
• ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that Britain conceivably approaching traffic cones leading to slip road onto highway in the sort of direction vaguely away from recession and that the toll gate to the stabilisation plaza of economic decline now pencilled fairly firmly onto mooted roadmap.  Osborne trials experimental fees for minor road users as prototype for introduction of full toll road system.
• ·         E L James publishes topical new novel, about Tudor remains uncovered by West Country Council workers constructing new toll road to new Academy, entitled Fifty Shards of Clay.
• ·         After violent demonstrations by farmers and pensioners with rural retreats, ‘yokel tax’ toll road system abandoned. 
• ·         Banks announce record profits.  Government asks them to keep size of current account transaction fee rises to a minimum, if they wouldn’t mind.
• ·         Cycling removed from school curricula after rise in health and safety concerns.
• ·         Downton Abbey translated into Danish and shown with subtitles in an attempt to regain lost popularity.
• ·         Celebrity Strictly Come Cycling replaced by Celebrity Strictly Come Baking after attracting poor audience response
• ·         New hypothesis proposes that Higgs Bosun composed of at least three separate elements named ‘Higgtrons’.  New Mega Hydron Collider to search for phenomenon, at a cost of $23 quadrillion, planned for construction in land formerly known as ‘Greece’.
• ·         Clare Balding signs contracts with Walkers Crisps and Go Compare.
• ·         Boris Johnson launches ‘Flip Flap’, fitness video based on hanging from zip wire.
• ·         Prince Harry video, The Basics of Naked Snooker’, sold out on first day.
• ·         Kate Middleton video, ‘How to Avoid Tan Lines’, withdrawn after poor initial sales.
• ·         Cameron makes shock announcement that Britain can almost be expected to see way through misty outskirts of recession and that something possibly resembling green fields of economic activity might just be implied through shadows in the distant fog.  Osborne introduces further belt tightening food rationing proposals just to see us through the next few years, recommends cycling to reduce hunger.  And blood transfusions.
• ·         In a last attempt to boost viewing figures, Celebrity Strictly Come Baking renamed ‘Baking Mad Men’, after complaints that no one had heard of any of the contestants.   
• ·         Gary Lineker and Sue Barker sign up for Strictly Come Dancing in an attempt to relaunch their careers.
• ·         Most of East Anglia , the West Country, Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire disappear under floods.  Cameron appoints Flood Minister.
• ·         Justin Bieber out in first round of Strictly Come Dancing. 
• ·         Agreement finally reached for new London airport to be built on former Olympic site.
• ·         Sales of Christmas related goods break all records.  Retailers complain about lower than expected sales of cat food and bathing costumes.
• ·         Olympic stadium washed away in surprise flood.
• ·         Flood Minister issues statement that all those affected by flooding will be very much on his mind over Christmas and that he will be inclined to give serious thought to a public inquiry to consider the problem, which could be set up as early as 2015.
• ·         Shock Daily Mail revelation that Sir Bradley Wiggins travels on Belgian passport.
• ·         ‘Do the Mobot’ becomes Christmas No 1 record, against severe competition from Lineker and Barker’s ‘The Pushbike Song’.
• ·         Queen’s speech complains of ‘annus non magnum in media’; turns down profile raising proposals for fitness video or flashing from Buckingham Palace window for YouTube bloggers.  Proposes major festivities for Her Aquamarine Jubilee in 2014.  No decision yet on kissing Daniel Craig on Palace balcony.
• ·         Recession and depression deepens.  Sir Bradley Wiggins MP, after petition securing 20 million signatures, agrees to lead Patriotic Nostalgia Party into next election.
• Major Government programme of compulsory kayaking launched to be included in school sports curriculum, especially in schools in East Anglia , the West Country, Gloucestershire and Oxfordshire.