Isn't it terrible?! I don't know whether I can carry on with this. How are we suppposed to cope? All I did this morning was to walk down to the shops for another couple of bottles of Pinot and I'm soaked with perspiration. I'm uncomfortable and exhausted and She's complaining about all the shirts in the wash. And I sympathise with her. But what can I do? 29 degrees today! Just how long is this dreadful weather going to continue?
It's so bad that, at this moment, I'm having to doze on a lounger under a parasol, while She's down the launderette. And all I can think about is my garden back home. I can't imagine what state it's in. Well, that's the trouble - I can imagine. It's probably like the Sahara desert there at the moment (without the camels naturally or girls dancing the dance of the seven veils). And I suppose it'll take gallons of expensive Thames Water to irrigate it when I get back. It's bad enough having to shower several times a day. Oh, it never ends. And I bet there's a water shortage next!!
And then it's the cost of the suncream, the ice creams, the iced lattes, not to mention the Pinot. What are we supposed to do? It was never like this under the Labour government. In fact it was never like this when I was young. And don't talk to me about climate change; I didn't vote for that! I suppose you're now going to tell me it's to do with EU policy. Well, don't expect me to vote for that either! Next thing you know they'll be cutting my winter fuel allowance and then I won't be able to afford the Pinot at all!!!
No, this has all got to stop. I came down here for cool sea breezes and what do I get? Waves of heat rising off the concrete sea wall that counteract any refreshing air going. Roll on winter that's what I say. At least when it's colder you can put more clothes on. I can't take any more off now, can I?!
And I've still got to walk all the way up the road to the pub for my dinner. How am I supposed to manage that then? Hmmm?!